I’m bashing my head, metaphorically of course, about the subject in question which is “Love”. What did I do to the cupid?

A subject about the heart…

Yes, I know, I might get a little cheesy or a little passionate, but I’m going into this lane.

In this subject, I have a bit of knowledge that might interest even the wildest mind. Is not for nothing that I had more than 15 girlfriends, but I digress again. What is important to know is that maybe the fault of the breakups was mine, but I never knew the reason. I had one girlfriend, sorry, ex-girlfriend telling me that was because I didn’t kiss her enough when I knew that she never wanted to be my girlfriend and wanted my best friend as hers. Unfortunately for that one, I saw the messages that she exchanged with him.

In my last relationship, on the subject of the heart, I broke up with her, because she didn’t want to take enough responsibility, the ones that come with having a boyfriend. She went in and out of, let’s say proximity and moods, when she was with me. There were days that she provoked me like hell, others that she only wanted a friend, others that even a kiss was difficult for her, and, with so many mood changes, I had enough of her. I had to break up to preserve our friendship.

I also had irresponsible relationships, but that vein is not for one to explore when we are searching for the person to be with us for the rest of our lives.

The subject and the search that came…

Let me tell you about my latest fail:

I fell in love with a girl, for me, was the one, I never had seen a picture of her and I fell in love with her personality and self. When she replied to me with a picture, without makeup, only her and a ribbon from the presents, and the picture said: “I’m a gift, do you want me?”. I said yes, and I thought to myself, that she could be the person that I’ve spent my life searching for. Only for her to get scared, and “ran away”.

Still in the subject but continuing the story…

Why did she get scared? Because I’ve told her about my bad side, let’s call it “bad side” for now. You will understand why. I cannot recall if I’ve finished the page “about me” but if I didn’t, let me break things down a bit. My “bad side” comes when I need to protect myself, or protect someone I love, or to make people pay for their sins. I’m not going to elaborate more about that because elaborating more will take us into a dark avenue where there is no end.

After she got scared, I talked to her many times, but she always rejected me like I was a monster, many people know that I’m a sweet guy, but for her, I was like Godzilla appearing in Japan to destroy everyone and everything.

One of the times she was in very bad shape, she would never admit it but she desperately needed help, so I talked to my mother and I convinced her, the girl, to come to my house until she was better. So lets start to talk about what she had from me, without being a girlfriend, only a known person, that was played several times thinking that was a friend.

The subject continues… and the story too.

I gave her breakfast to the bed, made her come to eat dinner and lunch, and kept her company whenever she wanted to. Something weird happened on one night when she told me to give her my arm, and she hold the arm like it was a pillow…, what the fudge? Digressing again… sorry. I made all of that for a month and then she cut ties with me and my family like it was nothing. Only for me to know she was in the hospital, she said she didn’t want visits from anyone but a guy visited her practically every day, I was in a panic, and I talked to her mother and her sister, explained what happened to them. (I can’t tell here what happened to her for her to be in a hospital bed, sorry again).

Only for me to become like a ghost again. Then a friend, when she needed me, then a ghost, and so on.

Let me vent a bit here in this paragraph, please…. So I do everything for a girl that offers herself to me, to be played like a toy and tossed away every time? Why did I deserve this? WHY? I did nothing wrong! I treated her like royalty, and I deserve to be a dog, sorry not a dog, a piece of crap is more suitable. Several times I put my dignity, my word, my heart available, again and again and again, for her to treat me like I was trash. Or I must be stupid, or the cupid must be playing with my heart like I was a test subject. I don’t understand why.

I’ve composed pieces of music, I’ve pulled my hear out, and I even wanted to be dead so bad because I might have made something, that I didn’t, to the person that I mostly loved.

Now I’m left to pick up the pieces of me until she wakes up from her paranoia and plays me again, and again, and again. Or maybe she regrets what she has done, and we’ll be friends for a starter. But if I’m with someone I’m not the guy that exchanges someone for another, so there might be a time limit for that, and I’m almost one hundred percent sure that she will never admit, or even, go into the avenue of regretting and coming back to try to build something with one of the most truthful persons she has met in her entire life.

I’m the subject of study…

As you might know, you never stop loving someone, if you truly love that somebody, you can try and live with it, like every human being does, but in the end, love and hate are the same thing. You can try to dismantle this subject for yourself and even try to disagree with me, but at the end of the day, psychologists know what I’ve just told you.

She will never see this post, and realize that she could have had a life with someone that didn’t give a shit or a fuck about how many people she slept or even kissed, and only was looking into the future and had seen something so beautiful that he employed all of his might to be better for her, only to become worse after she left.