In the previous months, I’ve tried to get better, forcing me to go to the limit, trying to study, or even trying to code again. All to no avail.

General limits

I know that I should be trying to rest until the burnout is cured, but I know that meltdown just “disappears”. So, I’m trying to improve my mental health by doing things I love to or used to, do.

But, my head, when I think that I improved a bit, it turns out that I go into a more depressive state because I went to the limit of what I can take, mentally, and it kills me a bit every time I do so.

My psychiatrist must think that I’m faking it, and I don’t blame anyone for thinking that. I should respect what my head is capable of right now and try not to force it beyond what is the limit.

But funny enough, I never know where is that limit, I only know I’ve reached it after my whole world collapses, again and again, and again.

Limits and boundaries

How can I know where the boundary of my mental health meltdown is? No one explained to me how I could find it. I’ve been puzzled by this question too many times and I never found an answer to that.

I also don’t know how to explain to a new psychiatrist every year all the things that happen in my head. It’s not feasible for me, to explain because I tend to forget major details every single time.

And I, almost every time, can only remember about the medication because the dosage of every pill is not adequate and needs to be adjusted, again to a higher dose. I’m not a junkie, my body needs a dosage that is not for everyone and it’s ridiculous.

Family things

If it wasn’t for my family, I could not take this theatrical play that my mental health plays with me. Because of them, I’m still fighting, with many days being a hassle but I’m going through them because of them. I need my family, and I’m not afraid to say it.

Other subjects or other limits.

I’m kind of stuck because there are people in my head that went away, and others in my heart that, with all my strength, I still could not forget.

I know that people come, and go away in life, and that idea never stook well in me, I still want things to last with everyone, but it appears that the limitations of that are not mine, but society-wise.

The last time I was recovering, and well, was with Andreia, when my mother and I offered her help and she was with us for a month. I was taking care of her, bringing her breakfast to bed, telling her to eat lunch and dinner, and keeping her company (as a friend) when she needed or  wanted.