“Complacency is a state of mind that exists only in retrospective: it has to be shattered before being ascertained.” ~ Vladimir Nabokov

The time of the year has come when I see the previous year, 2026, in retrospective. I really didn’t want to think about all the things that happened this year.

But here we go, here’s what happened.

Last year, what happened?

I know that last year I didn’t make the retrospective, but it wasn’t due to not having anything to report, it was due to not being able to see the year in this format that I call “retrospective”.

I really like and love to make content, but what shouldn’t be said in times of loss or grief, I won’t say. Sometimes I post overnight a post, still engulfed in bad feelings and I shouldn’t.

I’m trying to be better, for me, for my friends, for my family. Right now I’m thinking if I should create this post today of if I should create it in another day. All of this thinking because I want to frase things correctly in order, for you, the reader, to understand.

Starting things with a small rewiew

This year made me fight, fall, laugh, almost cry (unfortunately I can’t, unless I feel unbearable pain), rage, and all this feelings should be addressed as they are felt. But right now, it’s not the place for it.

I’ve created some posts, I’ve shared some feelings and some breakthroughs, I’m sure if you have read them you felt, to a degree what I felt.

I will tell you, 2024 to 2025 wasn’t easy and the same applies to 2025 to 2026.

Small review of 2024 – 2025

I will say some things I should have said on the missing retrospective just this once, because I need to address the missing retrospective.

I fell, as usual on the period of new year, then I fell again for believing that I could resurrect the past. Someone from 2021 was the person that I wanted to resurrect the friendship, but I was naive. As usual.

I was and I always will love as hard as my heart beats to keep me alive. Some people, don’t deserve that, and will never deserve that. I now know that and I’m trying to keep that as a rule that I should be governed by.

I had the pleasure of working for the municipality of Ponta Delgada, rediscovered some friends and made new ones. There is now a very special person there that gained a place in my heart. I wished that I talked more to that person but she has a lot on her plate right now.

I had a session, psicology, that I remember like it was yesterday, that bringing it up, will make some of you say that I’m a fool. And if so, you are right. That person from 2021, with the same birthday as I. I reached to her again, to try to force me to accept and let go of feelings I had for her.

FYI, that didn’t work because she didn’t even acknowledge the messages sent while in session with my medical psychology person. I waited and waited for nothing and the result from that was she, the person from 2021, changed her number and blocked me from everywhere.

I could say that if I wanted I could find her again, but I swore never to do that, even if it’s my deepest desire. And desires aren’t a thing to follow blindly.

Free advice

If you can do searches and find anyone that you want in a couple of hours, even if it’s your desire, don’t do it.

Failing to listen to that advice, will probably make you a stalker, and that being said, believe when I say that you don’t really want to become one.

2025-2026 retrospective

I’ve tried to process things as a normal person but I realized that I’m not one. I have my own way of processing things and I shouldn’t be using others methods of healing.

For me, I had to stop things, froze others, and force me to explain to myself why. Of course I didn’t like many of the responses but at least I’m healing, partially.

I went most of my year trying to hide how I felt, and that’s not healthy. Every pain should be addressed with the same cold heart and cold mind. Is only when, you can separate your feelings from your decisions, that you are able to see things clearly.

This year, also brought, unfounded complaints, to justice, against me, and I really were angry for that. The complains were that I, somehow, deliberately destroyed a company reputation, with false allegations against me. I didn’t do it, plus I didn’t do any kind of allegations, I didn’t badmouthed any company, or ever said anything related to this false allegations.

I got to experience a new kind of job, I worked on SportZone, and I did enjoy it. I got to know more fantastic people, like when I worked in the municipality, great team work, real care for each employee and more. I shouldn’t advance more to that territory because I already have a post regarding Sportzone.

I wanted an opportunity to work with Worten, or something similar, but I was denied of that opportunities. I won’t speculate, but I got an answer that was saying that due my disabilities, specially regarding the left knee, I couldn’t work with them because of the weight I was, potentially, required to lift. For me it’s sad that I didn’t have that opportunities, but they were right, they where looking for my health and well-being even though I wasn’t a employee of that company. No hard feelings for that.

Coping mechanisms related to me

In this retrospective, I’ll lay some of my mechanisms that helps me deal with things, that I didn’t realize until late of this year.

Time, emotional, physical freeze

In order for me to start to begin to process things, I have to kind of freeze time, make me a cold hearted guy, and physically stop every thing I’m doing. While I’m doing that I cut all the communications and prepare myself to review every memory and feeling.

I discovered that this method, is effective for me, but might cause me to separate me from everyone I like or love. I needed this because I had some traumas from the past, old feelings that were not the same anymore and I had to find a way to view and review everything.

Warning: This is my own coping mechanism, I don’t endorse anyone to do it.

While I was reviewing my memories, I found myself seeing guilt in memories that didn’t make sense. I found that, on some dead people feelings. I was experiencing guilt over sadness, and because of that unfounded guilt, I was always on repeat, over events that guilt doesn’t make any sense. For example, how is a person guilty of someone’s dead if they passed away naturally?

In a normal person head, that might be thrown away the microsecond that feeling appears, but for me, somehow I felt that under sadness for my own dead relatives.

In another take, I felt love for that someone, and supporting that was the feelings of emptiness, regret and hate. This one was overwhelming me to points that I didn’t know what else to do. And the funny part, when I forced myself to face this, I only felt empathy towards that person.

Renegading any of this findings and looking for other causes might had lead me to complete exhaustion and another mental breakdowns. But thank God I found what was haunting me.

I can only appreciate, my true friends and my family, that truly understands that sometimes, I really need time alone with myself in order to keep my sanity in check.

What are my feelings about this retrospective

I used to try to feel kind of numb and nostalgic about the creation of the retrospective. This one, I feel certain, nostalgic and hopefully.

Honestly I want the next one to be more hopeful without the burdens that I’ve carried for years. I want to say that I finally found someone worth what I have to give. But we all know that many times the future doesn’t play out as we liked it to be. So I look forward to seeing what it brings.

I also hope that justice is made and the false allegations against me are proven to be just that, false allegations.

Note to readers

This text as grammatical errors are found, is subject to changes. This changes are only to make the text semantically and grammatical correct.