“The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding.” – Leonardo da Vinci

About the feelings I’m experiencing, I came about some insides that I wasn’t counting, about myself and started to make changes on who I am.

Realizing what’s happening

For a normal person, depression it’s hard, and I also know that myself. But what I was feeling, that I said in the previous post, wasn’t only depression fault. It was also my own fault because I forgotten about myself for a while.

What I mean is about the results of my own self being kinda lost, wandering inside myself, and the uniqueness about being a Sigma.

How did I understand part of the problem

A person like me, a sigma, sees the world in a different view from other people, we are more secluded. (That’s one of the reasons that I don’t post everyday). We are lone wolf’s and don’t seek approval from anyone.

We can exist in a space without any stimuli and be okay. We thrive on silence, because our thoughts are enough for us to get busy and satisfied.

We are not hunting for anyone, we thrive outside the social hierarchy.

I could continue with examples but it would become repetitive.

One thing that sigma’s do is problem solving and trying to fix what’s broken, and some of us are attracted to people that are like that, broken. That’s why, we as problem solvers, sometimes fall down for a long period of time.

My own downfall

It started with someone I’ve referred on a couple of post, us being the same kind, in terms of the “16 personalities”. We both were IFNJ’s, so it was kinda talking with someone that could understand some of our inner workings. Also she was broken, as I, and for the time being that we talked, she did, and I have proof, (I never delete anything), offered herself to me. I, after seeing that maybe I could fix her and falling in love with her, I accepted.

As for her problems, she did had serious problems with something’s in the past, and I, as honest as I am, became angry for her, because the problems that she had triggered me in several waist. I can enact revenge, for myself or for other person. I, with revenge on my blood, wanted to take care of her problems. And that, after I’ve explained this part of myself. (I am really scared of myself in that state.) She ran away, and she did have some reason to do it. But not in the way she did it.

After contemplating for a long time, I felt that something was very wrong with her, and called her. Indeed I was right. And the rest of the story you already know it, if not the next two paragraph explains just enough to keep you on the loop.

She was in my house for a month, I was the person that was there for her, being it night or day. And, in that time I was only a friend helping another get on their feet. Some things where weird, things she asked, but I complied.

Then she went out of my home, had more problems, we were in a constant state of being friends or not, because of her decisions. Just because for her I was too much when I wished a good night. Great!

I’m the meantime, because I was in love with her, I began to lose myself, I was always worried about her and what made me, ME, went sideways because I was overwhelmed with the love I had for her and with the wish of she being with me.

Time went by and she stole a part of me, that’s natural, and I’ve since re-created everything and every on option that I could have made different. Big mistake.

Starting to understand everything

To understand myself, first I had to frost my heart, then I went into myself to try to understand what I was experiencing, the depression, that I have, didn’t help, only made things worse. With frosting my heart I became emotionless for a while.

Felling that something was missing, wasn’t enough to understand myself in this situation. I had to walk through hell and back to start to understand what was missing from me, what was on the thread that hold everything together. And that, isn’t some journey you want to do just because, I, in the post before this one, went really, but really deep and lost myself again in the part that matters.

The date I started falling this hole I felt in without realizing was one of two dates I cannot endure. Being this date, 14 of October. Who know me knows this date, if I can, I will disappear for the duration of that date.

So I now know what happened.

Being myself versus being the version that is keeping me alive

I was on survival mode mentally, and when I began to unfreeze my heart, I didn’t account what came with it. A rush of feelings that are not true anymore came and made me feel bad. I, since the beginning of the unfreeze, I was and I’m able to know what are the feelings that I have now, and the feelings I had before.

Since I came from hell, I can say that the part of the girl of 2021, that has the same birth date as I, she is long gone, she is now only a reminder. A reminder that I shouldn’t fall in love and asleep at the same time. A reminder that I shouldn’t have to lose myself or even a part of me because of someone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a sweet guy, that shouldn’t overthink the things in his life but okay. I’m still the same guy that someday will make someone happy with all the good I can do. If I say that my heart is golden, is for some reason.

I, right now, am adjusting myself to my true self and I think, this time, I won’t make the same mistakes again regarding myself. I’m still adapting to the shift of being on survival to live, and that it’s other thing that I might report later.

Finally a good thing in life

Let me start by saying this, I won’t deny anyone of anything. But I will start behaving as I truly am. The period of grace ended and I can now do more and stand more.

Depression hasn’t gone away, it’s a thing that I have to pay more attention to the side effects.

Some people entered my life for the first time and others for a second time, some never left because they were suspended in time for me, and I will try to be the best version of me for whoever deserves, or whomever truly regrets their actions about the past.

I should warn that now I will, at least internally, dissect everything that feels wrong or a lie. And I’m still a good lie, and manipulation detector. It’s time for me, again, to be whom I’m meant to be.

Note to readers

The text was reviewed several times before publishing it, and it might still contain orthographic errors. If there are any found after the post is published, I as usual, will correct the text and the changes will still appear on the page, as usual.

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