“The good old days weren’t always good, and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems.” — Billy Joel

Unusually I can handle everything in my head just fine, but it appears that, in the recent days, I’m going down the rabbit hole again. Depression isn’t a funny thing, and I should be able to fight back, but something is making me fall even harder than usual.

The old days have caught me

Since I was young, that I have depression and I fighted it with every cell in me. But today I can’t figure it out what is making me quit. Of course I won’t do something stupid but I feel like I should. It’s the dead relatives that are causing me this or is it old loves?

I wake up and I can’t even keep myself awake long enough to properly enjoy the day, my head and body mandatee to rest a bit more in order for me to be able to be awake a couple more hours. Right now I’m fighting myself to keep me awake.

When I had a job, at Sportzone, I thought that I was improving, but I now realize that it was a fluke created by being busy. Don’t get me wrong, I loved working at Sportzone, but I must be sincere, keeping myself busy was what was keeping me going.

Keeping everything to myself

I usually keep everything to myself, being it old memories that affect me or old loves that took and are taking too much of myself. I remember, on one of my birthdays, being at a bridge ready to end it all. Supposedly it was meant to be a happy day, but the happy part it’s long gone.

The only year that it might have made sense, before, was because of Andreia. And she os long gone too. I tend to make, the people I most love, disappear, or I even exclude them for a while while I’m trying to process everything.

It may be a coping mechanism but it’s what my brain is used to do, right now I have people talking with me, and I only wish I disappeared from the face of any planet. I’m forcing myself not to seclude me, not to go to far, not to disappear.

I’m keeping my brain active with external things, like music, with writing this post, and even trying my best to do more for the sake of not breaking me. I don’t have a “pillow” where I can deposit everything and then burn it.

Could it be because of love?

I really don’t know, everyday I feel emptier, I feel like the hole on my heart is increasing in size. This since of emptiness isn’t going away, it’s increasing and I can’t get the reason right.

It may be because I made someone disappear from my Life. It may be because someone vanished from my Life. I really don’t know. Only if God told me what is happening and why I must keep this burden called depression, maybe I would be better now.

It may be old or new

Unfortunately I can’t tell if this is old or new, I recently discussed with my Brother from another family, one thing that made me realize I was spiraling on this hole. It was the dead of one of our friends, that happened a few years ago, and that I never had the chance to say goodbye even at her grave.

Then I have the cases of my hearth being ripped of my chest…, if not that I have the past preaching to the future, then I am again unemployed, then I have other things that I’m not realizing what they are, but I hope it’s not too late to figure it out by the time I realize them.

I only hope I can widstand and be resilient to the point where I can figure it out what it’s corroding me in my core.